How To Speak Legato
by SarashinaNikki
Summary: Everyone, get ready to journey into the mind of everyone's favorite psycho. Hear his complaints on his co-workers and his master, and his rather bizzare attraction to a certain sadistic Insurance Girl. FINALLY UPDATED!
1. Finding True Suffering er Love

How To Speak Legato  
  
Disclaimer: Haven't you all figured out yet that no one on this site owns Trigun? I doubt Yasuhiro Nightow sits around all day writing fan fiction, he's too busy finishing the Trigun manga and getting rich, which I am not. So please, don't sue me.  
  
A/N: This fic is in response to MillieFan (or AnonymusTrigunOtaku)'s "Trigun Alternate Pairing" contest on myotaku.com. I don't know if I'm even going to enter this fic yet, it just gave me the idea. If you want details on the contest, go to http://www.myotaku.com/users/milliefan/   
  
Enjoy! ***********- indicates scene change  
  
WARNING, SPOILERS FROM EPISODE 12 ONTO THE END! IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN SOME OF THESE EPISODES AND DON'T WANT IT SPOILED, I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE!  
  
  
  
I, Legato Bluesummers, was officially irritated.  
  
  
  
Of course, I didn't let on; I was as calm and composed as always. But just as I was looking forward to a quiet night in for once in my life, Master comes barging in, ordering me to drop everything and go to May City to cause Vash the Stampede eternal pain and suffering. Naturally I'd be a bit miffed.  
  
I spotted the bar where the outlaw was supposed to be tonight, and sighed rather dramatically. I go through the mental checklist one more time: kill all his friends, leave severed limbs in his bed, make him spill red wine on the coat Master says he loves so much… wait a minute. If the coat was red to begin with, what good would that do? I hadn't even started the torture yet and I had hit a snag in Master's plans. Oh well, I'd just have to improvise. I approached the bar window, ready to catch his first glimpse of the object of Master's animosity.   
  
  
  
What I saw wasn't quite what I expected.  
  
A drunk was getting beaten up. Sure, I've seen a lot of drunks get beaten up in my lifetime, but that was always a tedious fistfight. This one was being held in a headlock by a small, angry looking young woman, and looked like he might be screaming if he could breathe. I watched, fascinated, as the man turned darker and darker shades of blue, and I walked closer to the door to get a better look.   
  
"Ma'am, he's turning purple!" shrieked a tall and rather clueless looking woman, looking anxiously at the man. At this, I started to chuckle, gradually beginning to actually laugh.   
  
"Good Lord," I said out loud to a passerby, "I haven't had this much fun since I tore the legs off my first spider." The man grabbed his two children and broke into a run. I clapped my hands together, laughing harder, but to my dismay, the angry woman kind of snarled and let the drunk go, kicking him in the side and striding over to the door, slamming it open.   
  
"Excuse me," I said smoothly. She turned to face me, her face growing increasingly redder. I wondered with excitement if she was going to burst a vein.   
  
"What the hell do you want?" she said between gritted teeth.  
  
"I just wanted to congratulate you; you handled that situation magnificently. What was the man's offense, if you don't mind me asking?"  
  
The woman looked confused, obviously trying to remember what the drunk had done. "W…well… who the hell are you, anyway?"  
  
I drew myself up to my full height, took a deep breath, and gave my most enigmatic smile. "Legato. Legato Bluesummers." Kittens and puppies ran for cover, children screamed, people locked their doors, and somewhere far away, a fan girl was born. I opened my eye, expecting to see the short woman frozen with awe, amazement, and fear.  
  
She laughed at me. No, not just laughed. Mocked. "Le…Legato?" she choked between laughs. "Your parents named you after a musical tempo? You must have had one screwed up home life! Did you have siblings named Allegro, Stattaco, and Andante?"   
  
Well, it was better than the 'Doesn't that mean 'cat' in Spanish' response.   
  
"What's your name then? I asked, slightly irritated. The woman became all business then, drawing herself up to her full height (which wasn't very tall), and cleared her throat.  
  
"I am Meryl Stryfe of the Bernardelli Insurance Society, and I'm here with my associate Milly Thompson…" I didn't listen to much after that, I simply stared at her, nodding every now and then. Suddenly, she stopped and stared back.  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"Did you… just… lick your hand?" she asked disbelievingly. I froze in horror. I didn't even notice. Damn my unconscious habits!   
  
"Nooooooo," I drawled. Just as I was saying that, however, I licked it again.   
  
"UGH, you just did it again!" she exclaimed with a shudder. She started to back away ever so slowly.  
  
"Ma'am?" the clueless looking woman stuck her head out of the bar. "Who's your friend?" Meryl looked intensely relieved, running over to the woman.   
  
"It was very nice to meet you, sir. Bye." She grabbed the woman by the arm and broke into a run.   
  
Damn it, damn it, damn it. I blew it, all because of that stupid arm. I stared at it with loathing.  
  
"This is all your fault," I hissed. "Vash the Stampede."  
  
Master stopped talking and glared. "Did you just interrupt me, Legato? Did you actually just interrupt me? I can't believe it, you just interrupted…"  
  
"I said nothing, Master." I mumbled apologetically. Master smiled.  
  
"Good. So anyway, like I was saying, that whore Rem was like, 'You cannot choose who lives and who dies, Knives,' and then I was like, 'Shut up, bitch!' Isn't that hilarious?"  
  
"Yes Master," I said admiringly, even though I know that's far from what happened.  
  
"And then, what happened, Legato?" asks Master excitedly. I closed my eyes, mortified. I hate it when Master made me do this.  
  
"She went 'Boom'." I said, cringing.  
  
"That right!" screamed Master, throwing his head back and laughing hysterically. I halfheartedly chuckled along. Since it was safe to say that Master would go on like this for a few more minutes, I let my mind wander back to May City. That woman Meryl, she had such intensity, such passion, such a thorough understanding on the word "pain." She was the only person who didn't confuse my name with 'El gato.'   
  
"LEGATO!" Master had abruptly stopped laughing and screamed my name. I stood up straight.  
  
"Yes, Master?" I said dutifully.  
  
"I want you to go recruit a group of assassins today. The best ones you can find. You shall call them, The Gung-Ho-Guns!" I flinched, but he didn't notice. "Make him suffer, MAKE VASH THE STAMPEDE SUFFER!" He collapsed back into his laughing fit.  
  
"I understand, Master." I said, raising my voice so I could be heard above Master's howls. He ignored me. "He will suffer, Master!" I said a little louder and more irritated. I was still ignored as Master fell off his chair, rolling on the floor. "Screw it," I mumbled, walking for the door.   
  
Not really feeling like going out today, I simply made a flyer.  
  
"Are you a deranged freak, outcast from society because of your homicidal ways? Have you always wanted to kill a famous outlaw? Are you incredibly suicidal? Then join the Gung-Ho-Guns!"  
  
I stopped. Gung-Ho-Guns, what kind of idiotic name was that? Something only Master could cook up. Maybe being trapped in here alone with no one but me for company was starting to get to him.  
  
"Join now, and we'll do horrific things to your body, give you a tacky nickname and a creative weapon! Just look at what we did to Monev the Gale!" I pasted on a picture on the hormonally challenged behemoth that we'd recruited 20 years ago. I sadly copied the flyers, and went out to paste them around the desert. Maybe I'd see Meryl, and she'd remember me. Then maybe she'd attack me for sexual harassment and hold me in that headlock. I smiled. Oh, the possibilities.  
  
*grins nervously*, What do you all think so far? I've got ideas for what I want to do next, but I won't continue unless you all think I should. And I don't know whether I should enter the contest or not, let's see if it goes anywhere first. Review, please, it makes me happy! Feel free to flame, but if you do, leave your e-mail so I can send you a nice thank-you virus.  
  
-Helena 


	2. Band Geeks, Poser Priests, and Possesed ...

How To Speak Legato: Chapter Two  
  
Disclaimer: Everything I said last chapter squared. As long as they don't sue me, why type extra?  
  
A/N: Hallo! This has to be the quickest I've ever updated. EVER. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I wrote messages to all of you at the end. Anyways, on with the insanity!  
  
"Legaaaaaaatoooooo!" sang Master.  
  
Crap. He never sounds this happy unless he's about to do something to make my life a lot more painful. I sighed and went to his room.  
  
  
  
"Was there something you needed, Master?" I said, dreading the answer.  
  
"I've got a surprise for youuuuuuuuu!" he said in the same singsong voice. I attempted to look excited. Master practically skipped over to his closet and pulled something out with a great flourish. "Ta da!"  
  
Jesus H. Christ.  
  
It was a hideous white coat, complete with a huge embellishment on the right shoulder and several spikes protruding from it. "Put it on!" said Master in an anticipant voice. I slid it on over my turtleneck and looked into the mirror.   
  
I looked like Quasimodo. I wanted to lock myself in a bell tower for all eternity; that's how bad it was. I turned to Master. "I…don't know what to say, Master." I stammered, which was truthful enough. I fixed an exceedingly painful smile on my face.   
  
"It's great, isn't it?" said Master, grinning. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Hold on, I have the perfect idea." He ran off to God knows where. This time I really was scared, expecting him to come back with an ink injector and say, 'OK Legato, now I'm going to give you a butterfly tattoo.' He came running back in, and I cringed, just waiting for the worst. He whipped out: a hairbrush?  
  
"Hold still, Legato!" Master said cheerfully. He took the hairbrush and combed a large amount on my bangs into my face. I stumbled backwards.  
  
"Aaaaahhh! I can't see!" I yelped, waving my arms around.  
  
Master scoffed. "Come on, you still have one eye uncovered." I sighed. Master had forgotten once again that I was nearly blind in that eye. Just in case it wasn't bad enough, Master took a metal brace and placed it around my right leg. "Perfect!" he said happily.   
  
"If I may ask, Master," I said, trying to stay calm, "what is the occasion for this new look?"  
  
"I'm glad you asked, Legato!" Master kind of giggled. "Today, we go pick those lucky people to become members of The Gung-Ho Guns!" Oh, of course. How could I have forgotten, Master has been talking about this for weeks on end. I looked up at him, the smile still plastered on my face.  
  
"Why don't we go then, Master? I'm sure they eagerly await our arrival." I was a little apprehensive. What kind of complete imbecile would respond to that flyer?  
  
Apparently there are a lot of complete imbeciles out there.   
  
  
  
Master and I strode out to greet them; well, I should say he strode, I stumbled out. The leg brace made it very hard to walk, and I still couldn't quite see. Master stopped in front of a little impromptu podium that someone had kindly set up. I just kept walking.  
  
"Greetings, everyone!" said Master, grabbing me by the back of the coat. "You are all here for one purpose: TO TORTURE VASH THE STAMPEDE!" He threw his head back and started to laugh again. Everyone looked around awkwardly. I politely slid up to the podium and cleared my throat.  
  
"Hello, everybody. Um, why don't we all get to know each other? Everyone step up and tell us your name, specialty, and why you decided to audition to be a Gung-Ho Gun. For instance," I stood up straight, once again giving an enigmatic smile. "I am Legato. Legato Bluesummers." The kitties and puppies scattered again, the families ran back into their houses, more babies cried, and the fan girl from before screamed so loudly that her parents called the police.  
  
  
  
"Doesn't that mean 'cat' in Spanish?" asked a man stupidly. I sighed and he pulled his gun and shot himself in the head. Everyone gasped dramatically.  
  
"As you can see, my specialty is manipulation of people's actions, reading minds, and of course, looking good." The fan girl screamed louder. "And I joined the Gung-Ho Guns because I'm a sad man with nowhere to go. So, who's next?"   
  
Mostly everyone was frozen in shock. Master was still laughing. Finally, a man stepped forward.  
  
"Hello," he said with a wink. "My name is Midvalley the Hornfreak. My specialty is my saxophone, Sylvia," he stoked the instrument, "and I joined the Gung-Ho Guns because I've always wanted to be someone's bitch. Thank you." He went back to his spot to lukewarm applause. The next person stepped up.  
  
"Hello, my name is…"  
  
"Go." I interrupted, pointing for the door. "Leave. Now."   
  
"Why?" said the man, utterly confused.   
  
"Because I don't like you," I said, irritated.   
  
"Wait!" cried the man plaintively. "That's not fair." I gave him a sympathetic look, and he shot himself in the foot. "Owwwww! OK, I'm leaving!" He ran off, gunshots echoing in the distance the way he left.  
  
"Next," I commanded languidly. One brave soul stepped up. Everyone did a double take; this one couldn't have been more than 5 years old.  
  
"Awwwwww," said all the potential Gung-Ho Guns at once.  
  
"Shut up!" snarled the kid, in a voice that belonged to a 50 year old serial killer. Everyone took a step back, silenced. "Good. My name is Zazie the Beast." He paused and smiled. "RAWR!" Everyone jumped. "I have no specialty, I'm good at everything. And I joined the Gung-Ho Guns to KILL ALL OF YOU! Thank you." As he went back to his seat, there was a great scramble to get away from the obviously possessed child.  
  
"Next," I choked. Two men walked up, both wearing similar black outfits and carrying crosses. One of them, who had creepy glasses, waved. The still-jumpy assassins flinched.  
  
"Hello, my name is Chapel the Evergreen," he paused, looking to the younger man, elbowing him in the ribs. He sighed.  
  
"Hello, my name is Nicholas D. Wolfwood. My specialty is firing this," he motioned to the cross, "and preaching. I joined because HE made me, he jerked his finger at Chapel.   
  
Master suddenly stopped laughing. "LEGATO!" he screamed. Everyone jumped again.  
  
"Yes, Master," I asked.  
  
"It's time to go pick up Monev the Gale. You can take the horn guy and Priesty there with you." Everyone simply stared at him. "NOW!"  
  
'Well this is just perfect,' I thought. 'Here I am, driving out in the middle of nowhere, flanked by Bank Geek and Poser Priest, off to pick up a purple spandex clad muscle man at his castle dungeon château to go torture a nearly-impossible to track outlaw.' That, and I was still thinking of her.  
  
I sighed, resting my hand on my cheek, thinking of how she tightened her grip when she knew the man was suffocating. How her face turned red like her head was about to explode. How…  
  
I was wrenched from my thoughts as Midvalley hit a high note on his saxophone. Wolfwood, who had been falling asleep at the wheel, jerked awake, swerving to the left and screaming incoherently. Once the car had been straightened, I turned calmly to Midvalley.  
  
"If you touch that saxophone one more time, I swear to God I will make you throw it out of this car." I said evenly. He gulped and nodded.  
  
Eventually, we got there. Nobody but Master would think to put him out here, iles away from civilization, without a thought to how long I'd be stuck in the car.  
  
"You two can stay in the car, I won't be long." I nearly ran from the car, stumbling over the leg brace. I walked down into the cellar, where the freak was training. He snapped to attention.  
  
  
  
"How long have you been standing there?" he asked.  
  
'About two seconds,' I thought. "I've been watching you the entire time," I lied. To my utter revulsion, he giggled and blushed, before remembering himself, going on to complain about how we shoved gunpowder up his nose or some such nonsense.   
  
"So, who am I hunting?" he finally asked. I told him; at the same time there was a huge thunderclap. There was silence for a minute.  
  
"Eh? I didn't quite catch that, could you repeat it?" I sighed, repeating it one more time, with another thunderclap.  
  
"Do you think you could say it louder?" I nearly screamed this time, but yet again I was drowned out by a thunderclap.  
  
"Do you want to write it down?" asked Monev sympathetically. I mouthed silently for a few minutes, then sighed.  
  
"It's a surprise, Monev."  
  
"Ohhhhhhh. I love surprises!" He nearly skipped out the door. I followed, dreading the long ride home.  
  
Jen- Thanks! You're so good to me, lol.  
  
AnonymusTrigunOtaku- I know, I know, can't comment officially yet. But the compliment was still nice. *blush*  
  
DaggerIX1- Thank you so much! I noticed you added it to your favorites too, I'm so happy! Talk to you later!  
  
Apples- Mwahaha, I love being evil :-).  
  
Ala- No! Don't die! Lol. Glad you liked it!  
  
Kagome-angel2000- Was that quick enough? Lol.  
  
Shiningcrystal- Thank you, hope you like this chapter as much!   
  
Review, everyone, it makes me happy! I'll have the next chapter soon!  
  
'Til then, Helena. 


	3. Would You Like A Hot Dog?

How to Speak Legato: Chapter 3  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. I do not own Legato, Vash, Wolfwood, Knives, or the Insurance Girls. I do not own Episode 12: Diablo, from which most of this chapter has been taken. So please, for the love of God, don't sue me.  
  
A/N: OK, everyone, I'm back! If you were waiting for me to update, thank you for your patience. And your reviews, my God, I feel so loved! Messages to all of you are at the bottom.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And it truly was the longest car ride of my life.  
  
I don't blame Master one bit for sticking this moron in a castle for twenty years. In fact, I think putting him so far away from civilization was actually a public service. But for putting me in a car with him for 6 hours? Master, I will never forgive you.  
  
He kept grabbing Midvalley's saxophone and attempting to play it. He kept putting Wolfwood in headlocks, not the best idea since the priest was driving, and barely avoiding crashing Master's brand new car. But the thing that caused me the most irritation: he wouldn't shut up.  
  
"Ooooooooooh, what's that?" he pointed to my shoulder embellishment. "Can I see it, please? Pleeeeeeease?" I began to twitch slightly. "My costume is too tight!" he whined. "Can I have yours?" When he started to sing '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall', that was the last straw.   
  
"STOP THE CAR!" I screamed. Wolfwood slammed on the brakes, nearly causing Midvalley, who wasn't wearing a seatbelt, to fly out. I took a deep breath and calmed down a little. "Why don't we stop at this town for a while? Stretch our legs, get something to eat. Just don't draw attention to yourselves." Midvalley and Wolfwood nodded frantically, leaping out of the vehicle.   
  
"Where do you think you're going, Nicholas D. Wolfwood? Someone needs to watch the car while we're gone." I said innocently.  
  
He turned around slowly, shaking with anger. "I hate you so much," he growled between clenched teeth. I smiled and nodded at him, then walked quickly towards the city.  
  
I'm going to kill someone. I swear if I don't kill someone right now, I'm going to do something very, very drastic. I walked down the street, practically radiating anger, and the townspeople cleared the way for me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I barged into a shoe store and shot the shoemaker in the head.  
  
'So much for not drawing attention to yourself, Legato.' I inched carefully out of the store, and walked down the street, whistling innocently. 'Calm down, Legato,' I told myself. 'Relax. Go to the bar, get a drink.' That was a great idea! I strode happily towards the town's bar.   
  
~~~~~~  
  
"What do you mean, closed?" I asked the man dangerously.  
  
  
  
"I already told you, sir, the bars are closed on Sunday. Come back tomorrow." He closed the window indignantly. I simply stood there disbelievingly. Closed? But WHY?   
  
"Hot dogs! Get your fresh hot dogs right here!" I perked up. Hot dogs? That might not be such a bad idea. I turned to the stand, but then stopped. Wait a minute. I'd always eaten healthy before today, and I absolutely loathed hot dogs. But why not? I was a sad, lonely man with no purpose in life but to entertain Master's minions and hunt his damn brother, and the only woman I was ever interested in thought I was a hand-licking freak. Maybe the hot dogs would clog my arteries and mercifully end my life sooner.  
  
I stepped over to the counter and slammed a bill on the table. "I'd like $$50 worth of hot dogs." I growled at the saleslady. She looked nervously at me and filled a bag with dozens of hot dogs. I smiled politely at her. "Thank you." I took the huge bag of hot dogs and began shoving them, one at a time, into my mouth  
  
Midvalley came up behind me, wailing away on his saxophone. Just as he was about to get to the part "where it really cooks", he took the instrument and threw it, hitting a townsperson squarely in the head.   
  
"Hey!" he said indignantly. "What did you do THAT for, Legato?"  
  
"I did warn you," I said between mouthfuls. He stared.   
  
"Ummm, if you don't mind me asking: what the hell are you doing?" asked Midvalley curiously. "I thought you said junk food was disgusting and clogged the   
  
arteries." I looked at him exasperatedly, and turned to face the town square.  
  
  
  
What I saw nearly made me choke on my hot dog.  
  
In the middle of the square, surrounded by children, was Vash the frickin' Stampede. I had found him. I can't believe I found him. And it was pure accident too! I began to smile, before noticing who was next to him.   
  
It was Meryl. Talking to him, laughing about something. Well, HE was laughing. She looked very angry; in fact, she was growing redder by the minute, Finally, she hissed like a cat and gave him a nice, swift bump on the head. My mouth fell open as she continued to hit him as he cowered and apologized. The apology just sent her into a frenzy, jumping on the outlaw's back then forcing him to the ground, putting him in a headlock.  
  
That's when I snapped.  
  
I took my hot dogs and sauntered leisurely towards the red-clad man. By the time I was done with that dream-breaking idiot, eternal pain and suffering was going to sound pretty damn good to him.  
  
I walked past the gunman, then froze. Did the whole world just turn… magenta? I shook it off. Nah. Must have imagined it. I continued over to a bench, sat down, then pulled out another hot dog, shoving it into my mouth. I didn't want to threaten him with my mouth full, so I decided telepathic conversation, with threatening techno music in the background, was the best way to go.  
  
"I found you," I said eerily. "Vash the Stampede."   
  
  
  
"What?" he asked nervously. "Who are you?  
  
I grinned. I had hoped he would ask that. "Legato. Legato Bluesummers." Puppies and kitties ran again, the families who had just left their houses ran back in, children screamed, and the aforementioned fan girl dropped dead of a heart attack, much to the neighbor's relief.  
  
Vash began to tremble slightly, and I almost cried. Finally, my introduction had worked!   
  
"What do you want from me?" asked Vash.  
  
'Your woman, dumbass!' I considered saying. I ended up saying, "Your life. Hmmm, perhaps that was a bit too dramatic. Actually, I'm here as a messenger. That's right, I've come to warn you: I'm afraid your life is going to end. Today."  
  
"What?" asked Vash. I sighed exasperatedly.   
  
"I'm afraid your life is going to end," I repeated. "Today."  
  
"No, I got that part," said the gunman.  
  
"Oh. Well, in that case, do you think I'm lying to you?" I turned to a lonely looking child down the street and whispered. "Hey, kid." The girl turned around. I smiled sweetly. "Come here." She walked towards me, clueless. "Closer…closer…" I reached into the bag. Vash held his breath, and so did the rest of the world. There was a nervous silence.  
  
"Would you," I whispered forebodingly, reaching deeper into the bag, "like a… hot dog?" I pulled out a hot dog, handing it to the happy child. Everyone exhaled.  
  
"I haven't given you a gift yet, have I?" I said playfully to Vash, patting the child on the head. I smiled evilly. This was the part where I completely mess with this guy's mind my sending him fun mental images. I started off with one of me attacking the kid. But it would be no fun to stop there.  
  
I sent a favorite image of Master's: Rem getting high. She held a joint in one hand, and a flower in the other. "It's a geraaaaanniuuuummmm," she slurred, waving the flower around. "A red geranium. And you know what that means in the language of the flowers? I overdosed. Big time. BOOM!" she screamed.  
  
Vash whipped around in horror, nearly tripping over his own feet. I began to laugh, unable to stop. "Hahahaha, you're reaction was better than I hoped, HAHAHAHA! You're fun." I tried to stop my laughing, but the expression on his face was just too classic. "To think I could kill every man, woman, and child in the blink of an eye. The power of death is intoxicating." I winced inwardly. Master had made up that one, of course; I just made death sound as smooth and delicious as Merlot. How contrived.   
  
Vash started toward me angrily. "Don't be in so much of a hurry," I said calmly. "You still have a little time left, or, perhaps you don't." But perhaps you do, but maybe you don't, tell me, could I sound more enigmatic right now? "And don't worry, no one else needs to get hurt. So you wanna draw?" I tilted my head backwards, pulling a few muscles in my neck. And I'm not going to lie: it really, really hurt. But saying 'Ow' now would break the mood.  
  
"A wise choice," I drawled when the outlaw didn't move. "Oh, I almost forgot, this is a little farewell present. It contains a lesson from me; I'll just leave it here." With a nod, I strolled away, leaving the hot dogs behind. As I approached where Midvalley was standing, as a woman came running out, screaming about her husband. I realized it was the wife of the guy I killed earlier. "My bad," I mumbled, walking faster.  
  
"You left him stale hot dogs? THAT was the farewell present?" asked the musician incredulously.   
  
I slapped my forehead. "No, fool! THAT'S the present!" I motioned to Monev, who was running towards us.  
  
"Leggy!" I flinched at the nickname. "Guess what? You know who that guy is over there? Vash the Stampede!  
  
I closed my eyes. Somebody shoot me. "You don't say, Monev. Know what? Why don't you just kill him." The muscleman's eyes widened.  
  
"Really? But what about the guy I'm supposed to be hunting?"  
  
I hate my life. "Ummmmm, you can get him later." I turned back to the outlaw, who was being arrested for the murder of the shoemaker. "Wow, convenient." I glared at the man who was trying to steal the woman I loved.   
  
"I understand, Master," I said to no one in particular. "Vash the Stampede will experience eternal pain and suffering."   
  
I looked up to see everyone staring. "Hey boss," Midvalley said nervously. "Are you talking to yourself?" And the sooner Vash is taken care of, the sooner I can kill the damn Gung-Ho Guns.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
claymade- Wow! That's a really, really nice compliment, thank you very much! Yeah, I tried to not mess with the continuity, good to know I succeeded!  
  
Jen- *bows*  
  
Ala- YES! *slaps hand*. Nobody got that! It was so irritating, grrrrrr. Hehehe.  
  
Apples- Thanks! *blushes* Hope you're happy with this chapter!  
  
Closet-Monster- Yeah, I'm too mean to poor Legato *pats Legato on the head*. Poor guy…  
  
Dagger- Hey!! Yay, glad you liked it. Did you really think Legato picked out that look all by himself? Lol.  
  
JazzCheetah- *dives under computer to avoid being beaten with hot dog* LOL! Yeah, when I was in band, I used to laugh every time the music said 'Legato', and everyone would stare at me. Good to know I'm not alone. *tear*  
  
Sesshomaru-0051- I'm updating, I'm updating! Don't hurt meeeeee! *puppy dog eyes*  
  
Samara Aurora Randolph- Thanks for the review, hope you love this chapter as much!  
  
Ok, thanks everyone! This chapter helped get out my pre-play jitters. I'm in a play tonight, so wish me luck! I'll try and get the next chapter up tomorrow or Sunday, and if I can't, I'm sorry! 


	4. The Man in the Pink Coat

How to Speak Legato: Chapter 4  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. If I did, I'd be skipping through a beautiful meadow with Vash and Nick on one arm, Legato and Knives on the other. Do ask how I would fit two on one arm; I'll find a way.  
  
A/N: Hello everyone! Such nice reviews, you all are being so nice to meeeeee! *Grin* I'm back with another chapter. Oh yeah, please note that anything I say against Vash or Wolfwood is not my personal opinion, it's Legato's. It PAINS me to be so cruel to them! Messages to everyone at the bottom. Enjoy!  
  
Note: Any Trigun writers in here? Come on, we need some entries for AnonymusTrigunOtaku's contest! All you have to do is write a story with an alternate het pairing (i.e- Millie/Knives) and post it on FF.net. Please enter!   
  
~~~~~  
  
Midvalley, Wolfwood, and I sat, staring raptly at the scene in front of us. The three of us seemed to hold our breath as the tension built. "Go on," I whispered. "Do it, do it…" Vash angrily shoved his gun into Monev's temple.  
  
"YES!" shouted Midvalley, punching his fists in the air. Wolfwood angrily kicked him.  
  
"Shut up!" he hissed. We were completely silent after that. Come on, Vash. Kill him. Kill him. The outlaw didn't move.  
  
"Vash the Stampede, you fool, for the love of God, kill the freak!" I yelled. This time it was my turn to be kicked into silence. I mumbled an apology and stared back at the scene. Vash still didn't make a move to shoot him.  
  
3 hours later, still nothing.  
  
I sighed and pulled out my now stale and cold hot dogs, hoping that I would get a stomach ulcer. I took a bite a nearly gagged; if it tasted awful before, it was 10 times worse now. Why couldn't I find more obvious ways to be a masochistic freak? I painfully swallowed the hot dog and choked down another.  
  
"What's he doing?" whispered Midvalley. It took a moment to realize that he was addressing me.  
  
"How should I know?" I droned.  
  
"Well, you can read minds, right?" he whispered excitedly. "Tell us what he's thinking?" Hmph. I know exactly what that lecherous little twerp is thinking.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Bluesummers, do tell us." Said Wolfwood innocently. I glared at him. I've decided that I DON'T like him.  
  
"Fine," I said, giving in. Bad, idea, Legato, bad idea.  
  
What I saw would haunt my dreams forever.  
  
~~~~  
  
"Well, what is it?" asked Wolfwood impatiently. I could do nothing but stammer incoherently for a few minutes. Finally, I managed to speak.  
  
"It's like… some kind of psychedelic floral fantasy…" I whispered, horrified. "With music… and geranium petals, and I can could walk on the sky…" I could still hear the music playing somewhere, and began to kind of hum it.   
  
"D'you think it was the hot dogs?" asked Midvalley nervously. Wolfwood shrugged and turned back to Vash, who appeared to be walking away from Monev. A living, breathing Monev.  
  
"Why, God?" muttered Wolfwood. "In the name of all things sacred, WHY?"  
  
~~~~  
  
  
  
Ugh. I should not have eaten any more of those hot dogs.   
  
After that God-awful, never ending car ride home with Monev (where he sobbed unrestrainedly into my shoulder) I went straight to my room, collapsed on my bed, and hoped that I had contracted some form of food poisoning, preferably a fatal kind. My luck being what it was, it was probably just a stomachache.   
  
"Leeeeeeggggggaaaaatttttoooooo!" I heard Master calling me, but I barely lifted my head in acknowledgement. Just let me die…  
  
"LEGATO!" I snapped upwards as Master slammed the door open. "Oh, there you are Legato." I did a quick double take. Master was not wearing his usual red spacesuit, but a fuzzy blue bathrobe. My jaw dropped open. Master had finally gone insane. I mean, I knew it would happen one day, but not quite so… sudden. Master smirked slightly at my shocked reaction and tossed something onto my lap. I cringed and closed my eyes, thinking perhaps it was another one of his brother's severed limbs to play with. I opened an eye slowly.   
  
"Legato, would you mind hand washing that?" asked Master, pointing at the red spacesuit on my lap. "And don't put it through the dryer again, it's tight enough as it is." He left, and I collapsed back on my bed. The day Master really did go insane… well, I'd rather not talk about that. I stumbled towards the laundry room, barely awake. I didn't even notice someone was in front of me until I ran into him.  
  
"Watch where you're going, dammit!" the man growled. Damn, it was that priest again.   
  
"If you don't mind, Nicholas D. Wolfwood," I mumbled, "I am doing Master's laundry." I stumbled slightly. The priest just stared for a few moments.  
  
"Why don't you give me the laundry?" he said with a grin. "I can do it for you. Hand wash, right?"  
  
  
  
"Really? I am eternally in your debt, Nicholas D. Wolfwood. If you don't mind, could you wash this too?" I shrugged off my white coat and handed it to him.  
  
"No problem!" said Wolfwood happily. He smiled again and headed towards the laundry room. I grinned tiredly. What a nice man. I stumbled back to my room, collapsed on my bed, and launched straight into the best dream I'd ever had.   
  
~~~~~  
  
I was sitting in that May City bar with Meryl, and we were sharing an expensive looking wine. She looked into my eyes, smiled, and said, "I love you, Legato." Then, she picked up the table, hurled it out the window, and proceeded to punch me in the stomach not once, not twice, but three times. She then threw me to the ground, kicked me in the ribs, and put me into that heavenly headlock. It felt so real, I swear I could feel my ribs break and my windpipe crushed under her delicate fists.  
  
She stood up off me and smiled seductively. I went to get up, but in the process I tripped over my own leg brace, falling flat on my face. When I managed to look up again, there was Vash the Stampede, his arm around Meryl, pointing at me and laughing hysterically. Meryl started to point and laugh too. Just as the whole bar started to laugh…  
  
"AAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!" I sat straight up in bed, breathing erratically. Curse you, Vash the Stampede, I can't even dream without you stealing my girl. Feeling a bit better, I rolled out of bed and went into the living room, where most of the Gung-Ho Guns were gathered. I gave them a weak smile and sat on the sofa.  
  
"Your laundry," I whipped my head around to see who had spoken. Caine the Longshot was staring at me, pointing in the general direction of the laundry room. Everyone gasped.  
  
"What about my laundry?" I asked.  
  
"Screw the laundry, Caine just talked!" gasped E.G Mine. Everyone crowded around Caine. Suddenly, it hit me. I'd let that damn evil priest do my laundry! What was I, insane? I sprinted to the laundry room. This was not happening, this was not happening…  
  
I reached the washing machine, stopped it, and pulled Master's spacesuit out. "Nicholas D. Wolfwood!" I shouted. "You were supposed to hand wash…" My voice died as I pulled my own coast out. It looked like Master's garment had bled all over it. So now the coat was…  
  
"Pink?" I whispered disbelievingly. Suddenly, I heard laughter from behind me. "That's not funny, Nicholas D. Wolfwood."  
  
"Are you kidding? It's the most hilarious thing I've ever done!" He threw his head back and howled with laughter. The other Gung-Ho Guns, who had slowly filed in, began to chuckle as well.  
  
I simply stared at the coat. "I…have to…get Master his clothes…" I ran out, still hearing the mockery behind me.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I'm going to kill him. I swear to God I'm going to kill him. I want him dead, dead as a doornail, dead as the whole freaking door, no, dead as the whole house! Dead as the whole damn neighborhood! I stuffed a praline down my throat, before realizing they were Master's favorite food. I hesitated a moment, then shrugged. Whatever, he could photosynthesize or something. I knocked on the door.  
  
"Master, your garment is clean." He whipped open the door, and his eyes widened as he took in my coat. Then he smiled warmly, which was scarier than any of his laughs.  
  
"Come with me, Legato." He put an arm around my shoulder and guided me into his little garden. "Legato, you are coming into an age where you are going to be looking at girl's more." I looked quickly at him. How did he, out of all people, guess? "I was in love once too. A pretty girl from July. She was so… radiant. She had this porcelain skin, and these beautiful blue eyes. You could get lost in those eyes." I shifted uncomfortably as Master beamed reminiscently. "Ahhh, yes, Maria was her name." A single tear ran down his cheek. "Do you know what I did, Legato?" I shook my head.  
  
"I SQUISHED THE SPIDER! I wove her capillaries into a bracelet and gave them to her little sister, fed her heart to the Thomases, and hug her ravaged corpse on her parent's doorstep! MWAHAHAHAHAAHA!" I slid out from under his arm and made to leave.  
  
  
  
"LEGATO!" I froze and turned around. He smiled sweetly and pulled out an ink injector. "Would you like a butterfly tattoo?"   
  
I stumbled nervously for the door. "Ummmm, with all due respect, Master… I'm… I'm… going to the first official meeting of the Gung-Ho Guns at Jenorarock."   
  
Master looked hurt. "OK, I guess I understand. When you get back, then?"   
  
"Of course, Master!" I stumbled out the door, quickly announced the meeting to the assassins, and ran out the door. I didn't care if my coat was laughed at, the more time I spend with Master, the more insane I'll go…  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Ala- *jumps and looks for evil puppy* Gaaaaaah! Is it gone? Where did it go? Die! Hehe. Yeah, she was a hippie, wasn't she? I was a little worried I'd anger some of her fans.  
  
Samara Aurora Randolph- Glad to make you happy!  
  
Nora Wolfwood- Welcome! Hope you liked the new chapter!  
  
Sesshomaru-0051- Yeah, I'm too mean to the poor guy. Fluff? I am quite bad at fluff, I am more fond of twisted romances. *Cringe* Please don't threaten me with the sharp object!  
  
AnonymousTrigunOtaku- Thanks for letting me know. That was so weird, wasn't it? It looked like some kind of demonic message, hehe. Thanks for the compliment, good luck on the entries!  
  
Jen- I'm sorry, I had to! *evil snicker*   
  
Closet-Monster- *Returns high five* Thanks!  
  
Moocowpersonthingy- Oooohhh, worship? I'm flattered, hehe.  
  
kagome-angel2000- Thanks a lot! Was that fast enough for ya, hehe.  
  
Silver Dragon Youkai- LOL, I know. I see you added me to your favorites, thank you so much! Hope you like this chapter too! Bye!  
  
Claymade- No problem! I wanted to make it as true to the show as possible. Yeah, you're not the only one! *Cringe* Hehe.  
  
I won't be too long with the next chapter. Have a nice day, everyone! 


	5. The Pain Of Cheesecake

How To Speak Legato: Chapter 5  
  
Disclaimer- I do not own Trigun, or any of it's characters, or any of its episodes, particularly Episode 15: Demon's Eye, in which most of this chapter takes place. You really don't have much ground for a lawsuit, but just in case, don't sue me!  
  
A/N- 'Ello, love! I have updated, finally! Sorry for the wait, those of you who were waiting, but I was having a little trouble with this chapter. Demon's Eye and me don't get along. I love the episode, but I wasn't sure how to write it. By the way, those of you who want to enter the contest, go to http://www.myotaku.com/users/milliefan/ for all the details. Hope you enter! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, messages at the bottom. Enjoy!  
  
By the way, see if you can Spot The Manga Reference (Copyright NeptuneHelena 2003)! If you can figure out which scene in this chapter is a direct reference to the Trigun Manga, I'll… ummm… well I'll come up with a prize later.   
  
~~~~~  
  
I stumbled into the saloon at Jeneorarock, panting with exertion. Not being able to stand the thought of another 2 hour car ride with Midvalley, I had decided to walk the whole way, which of course turned out to be one of the worst decisions I'd made since I'd let Master play chop shop with his brother's severed limbs. I winced and held a hand to my sunburned face, only dimly aware of the other patrons' stares. My attention turned to the entertainment, which was, of course, the damn Hornfreak and his saxophone. I collapsed onto a bar stool and sighed heavily.  
  
My only consolation was that sanctimonious little spider Wolfwood hadn't been allowed to come. Master said he had some "business to discuss" with him, which meant that when I returned, I'd probably find the priest a raving lunatic, covered in butterfly tattoos and singing 'Sound Life.' With that comforting thought, I turned to the bartender.   
  
"Would you mind getting me a beer?" I asked politely. The bartender turned to me and smiled.  
  
"Sorry, sir, we're fresh out. Anything else I can get you?" I stared at him. Out of beer? How could a SALOON be out of beer? It was simply implausible. I gritted my teeth and attempted to look indifferent, despite my thirst.  
  
"Could you get me some cheesecake, then?" I said painfully. The bartender frowned.  
  
"That's gonna make you even more thirsty," he warned. I glared at him.  
  
"Cheesecake. NOW!" He ran to the kitchen and came out with a plate of cheesecake. I smiled sarcastically and shoveled a piece into my mouth, immediately shuddering at the taste. It wasn't as bad as the hot dogs, but still utterly repulsive. I reluctantly swallowed it and ate another piece.  
  
So this is what they warned you about when you were a child. Go to school and get a respectable job, or terrible things would happen. I just never expected to be sitting in a bar, listening to that God awful saxophone with a pink coat, a sunburned face, and eating one of your least favorite foods like it was the only thing that could save your life. And all the while the man you're supposed to be hunting is off on some kind of joyride with a woman he doesn't deserve! It's just incomprehensible!  
  
I grumbled, irritated, as a group of men strolled in and the patrons got louder. They sat down on some couches and loudly ordered some beers, which the bartender got right away. How come they got beer and I didn't? I stared determinedly at my plate, not listening to the loud men's babbling.   
  
I suddenly felt someone's eyes on me. I shifted my gaze back to the men, and one of their captives appeared to be checking me out. Understandable. I went back to my food, only trying to tune out the men yelling. Shut up, shut up, I can't hear you. I stuck a fork through my cheesecake, bringing it to my lips, before one of the loud men pulled a gun and shot my fork in half.  
  
I froze. So did the rest of the saloon (except Midvalley, of course, who was still playing). I started to shake with anger. What the hell was his problem? Can't a man wallow in his own self-pity in peace? Calm down, Legato. Take deep breaths, and think happy thoughts. Inhale… fields of butterflies, exhale… happy puppies. No, that wasn't working. Inhale… burning mimes, exhale… cannibalistic kittens. Inhale… Meryl, exhale… Meryl.   
  
"A fork please," I said calmly to the bartender. The men started screaming again and firing their guns at me. I sighed and turned to the men. "It's not wise to be hasty." Then everyone REALLY fell silent and looked at me. If my face wasn't so sunburned, I might've blushed. Didn't these people have anything better to do?  
  
"I intend to destroy all of humanity, right down to the very last speck of dust." I stood up and glared at the man. "Why is it you insist on meeting your death sooner?" Ooooooh. Go me. That would scare him away.  
  
The man started babbling. "You're not making any sense!" he said with false confidence. I sighed. I didn't have time for this. I'd have to kill him. So I did. And to make a long story short, I did the same with the rest of the gang, and went back to finish my cheesecake, as Midvalley began to play again. I looked sympathetically at the men. The last thing they all would hear was that infernal saxophone. I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone.  
  
Finally, they were all dead, and coincidentally, I was done my cheesecake. I got up from my seat, and noticed that the girls were looking at me again. I wanted to do something dashing, like blow the smoke off my gun. But just my luck, I didn't use guns. I decided to settle for an enigmatic parting line from my rather large collection.  
  
"It's a shame, what you had to go through. But now you know just how much pain there is in living." And believe me, I know.   
  
~~~~~~~  
  
That's unusual for me. I don't usually waste my time on vermin like that.   
  
It must be the way you look, Vash the Stampede. You damn dirty woman stealing ape. Your very existence causes me undue irritation. No, irritation is not the word. Humiliation, depression, increasingly masochistic bouts with food…  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
I stared lazily at the remainder of the gang. Now I'd have to kill the rest of them. How boring. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Gung-Ho Guns, looking at me imploringly. I sighed in consent.  
  
  
  
"You're right, it's not nice to be greedy." The gang members immediately began to freak out, apparently thinking that I was talking to myself. "Only kill half of them." The assassins began to bounce up and down like I had just given them candy. And for the second time today, there was needless carnage. Needless, but amusing.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
(Meanwhile, back in town)  
  
"Tell me who did this!" Vash yelled at the hysterical woman. "Was it Legato who did this? Was he wearing a white coat?"  
  
The lady stopped screaming and stared at Vash, confused. "Ummmm, no sir. He was wearing a pink coat."  
  
Vash grinned sheepishly. "Oh. I guess we're not talking about the same person then. Thanks anyway."  
  
"Anytime!" said the woman cheerfully. Then she slammed the door on his finger.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"Do you know why I spared half of you?" I asked the remainder of the remaining gang members. "My reason happens to be perfectly rational." Depending on what your definition of rational is. "You see, if your bonds are indeed as strong as you say, you can give them a proper burial." Suuuuuuure. Really rational, Legato. "However, this is not an act of mercy. It is simply to teach you the pain of living." I frowned, realizing I had said something about the pain of living twice in the last hour. My lack of originality frightened even me sometimes. I turned to the Gung-Ho Guns, who were looking at me hopefully. I gritted my teeth. "Excellent work."  
  
Midvalley went through all the Gung-Ho Guns, finding it necessary to introduce each one, even though he knew I knew all of them. I noticed with amusement that each one was posed like they were about to start a group musical number in 'Cabaret.' "…And myself, your faithful Midvalley the Hornfreak," he concluded. The gang's all here, sir.  
  
"Chapel appears to be absent." I observed. Midvalley looked a little nervous.  
  
"Yes sir, he appears to be as untrustworthy as the rumors claim."  
  
Hopperd looked confused. "But I thought he said he was going to go get some ass…" Everyone quickly shushed him and smiled innocently at me.  
  
I shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Your target is very close by."  
  
"There's a lot of talent here," continued Midvalley. I'm sure there is. "Do you plan on using all of us on this one target."  
  
"Hardly. I wouldn't dream of using all of you, my opinion of you is higher than that," I lied quickly. "Wouldn't you agree, Dominique?" BANG. I tried not to jump as she appeared right behind me. She looked at me at blushed slightly.  
  
"Yes, I'm all you need for this job. Legato, I'll take care of it."   
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Needless to say, she got her ass kicked.  
  
I decided I didn't want to walk back again, once through the desert was quite enough. I resigned myself to the long ride home with Dominique sobbing onto my shoulder. Before we departed, I told everyone I needed to get something I left. I climbed up a plateau, and there she was. I stood for at least 10 minutes, watching her yell at Vash. I smiled slightly. Even when she was calm, she was so…  
  
I jumped as Midvalley came up behind me, playing his saxophone. It got Vash and the girls' attention, and the three of them stared at us. Even from the distance between us, I think Meryl recognized me. There was an awkward pause, then I smiled sweetly at her. Just as I was about to wave, a cloud of fog swept over us. Surprised, Midvalley stumbled backwards, waving his arms. He hit me in the chest, and I tripped, grabbing him for support. We both tumbled down the hill.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
We finally arrived at headquarters. I pushed Dominique off me, and nearly ran inside. "Master, we're ba…" I froze.  
  
"Hello Legato!" said Master cheerfully. He was sitting at our kitchen table, sharing a cup of tea with… Wolfwood? "Mr. Wolfwood and I were just having a nice discussion about you." I looked wildly at the priest, who was grinning haughtily.   
  
"What… did you tell him, Master?" I choked.  
  
"Nothing of interest," said Master casually. "But he is quite uncomfortable in his room, so I told him he could share yours." I stared at Master in horror. "And to be nice, you can carry up his things." Wolfwood smiled at me and handed me his large cross. The weight brought me to the ground.  
  
"This is… heavy…" I gasped. Wolfwood looked down on me smugly.  
  
"That's because it's filled with mercy."  
  
"No, that's because it's filled with bricks." I whispered. The two of them began to laugh.  
  
"I see what you mean, sir. No imagination," laughed Wolfwood. I turned bright red and carried that stupid cross upstairs. I'm gonna kill him, I swear I'm gonna kill him…  
  
~~~~~  
  
They were planning something. I could tell they were, the way they kept glancing at each other during dinner, and kept snickering for no reason. My fears were confirmed when Master brought out cherry pie for dinner, my favorite food.  
  
"I'll be right back, I'm just gonna get something from the kitchen," said Wolfwood. He walked by my chair, and… CLICK. I tried to move my hands, but they seemed to be stuck. I looked back at that damn priest, who was cracking up. The bastard had handcuffed me! Master slid the pie in front of me.  
  
"Eat up, Legato." Damn it. He knew about the pralines I took from him. Everyone giggled, eating their pie. I was so hungry, I hadn't had decent food in a good long while. Hunger or pride. Pride or hunger…  
  
Hunger won. I dived face-first into the pie, inhaling it in less than 15 seconds. I looked up at all the shocked faces of the Gung-Ho Guns and Master's smirk. I ran my tongue across my lips, finish off any last bits of pie. "Gentlemen, from this day on, failure will not be tolerated. Understood?" Everyone nodded quickly. I smiled. "Good. Now, take these cuffs off."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Ala- I got one word for ya, "Fanboys." LOL. No, I wouldn't scar my readers like that. That's just cruel.  
  
Jen- Thank you, my child. LOL.  
  
Silver Dragon Youkai- Awwww, thank you! You really mean it? Well, I love you too! *Hugs*  
  
AnonymousTrigunOtaku- YAY! Glad you think so! Right, now that you're not a judge anymore, you can comment officially! Whee! Update Dark Mirror really soon!  
  
Vash's Girl- Thank you! Please, don't set your dogs on me, I updated!  
  
CaptainMurphysMistress- Thanks a lot! Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long!  
  
Red Tigress- Hello, fellow stalker! Yes, the mime reference in this chappie was just for you and Shanny. *Sniffle* I love you guys. Awww, don't be so hard on your fics, I'm sure they're good! Well, I'll talk to ya later!  
  
Doomsdaybringer- Awesome! It doesn't just have to be Millie/Knives, it can be any alternate pairing. Go to the website at the top of the page for details. Good luck!  
  
Seungmina1991- Yes, I strive to achieve psycho-ness in my fics. Heehee. Hope you liked the new chapter!  
  
Claymade- Your reviews always make me feel so happy! *grins* Thanks a lot, it's always nice to hear you like the story!  
  
Aurus- Don't worry, this is totally off the record. *Wink wink* I love hippies, but I have to make fun of them if I'm writing a Legato fic, right? LOL. I see you added me to your favorites. Thank you! Talk to ya later!  
  
kagome-angel2000- LOL, it would be pretty funny, and actually rather disturbing. Hehehe.   
  
Well, that's it. Hope everyone enjoyed! 


	6. Field Trip To Augusta

How To Speak Legato, Chapter 6  
  
Disclaimer- Yada yada yada, Trigun not mine, Episode 16: Fifth Moon not mine, sue someone else.  
  
A/N- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! GOMEN NASAI! GOMEN NASAI FOR NOT UPDATING! I APOLOGIZE TO MY READERS, TO EVERYONE ON FF.NET, TO THE WHOLE WORLD! GOMEN NASAAAAAAAI FOR TROUBLING YOU!   
  
Now that I got THAT off my chest, hi everyone! Sorry about the no updates for two months thing, but yeah, I've updated now. And now that I'm on break, I should be able to finish up this bad boy. Oh, congratulations to Jen, Sessy Da Fluffy One, and Silver Dragon Youkai for spotting the manga reference! It was, indeed, the famous eating with no hands scene from Trigun Maximum 2. See, being a dork and reading manga scans pays off in the end!   
  
Thanks to all my reviewers! Messages at the bottom. ONWARD, GOOD CHAPS!   
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
I sighed happily and pushed my way into the blankets. Finally, some peace and quiet. Time to get some sleep…  
  
THUNK.  
  
I groaned and rubbed where my head had hit the floor. I rolled over onto my back and looked up, where a very irate priest was glaring at me. "Get up, you idiot," he growled. "Knives wants to see you."  
  
"I'll decline, spider," I mumbled, trying to get comfortable in my little spot on the floor. I hadn't been able to sleep for a week. It wasn't my fault that the damn priest snored. Wolfwood sighed dramatically and started out the door.  
  
"Fine, let him tell you himself," he said casually, heading down the hall. I pushed myself up. Tired or not, I was not at all keen to eat any more pies. Who knows, next time he might opt to slice my arms off instead of handcuffing them. Damn moody plants.   
  
I walked, half-asleep, up to Master's door and knocked. "Master? You wanted to speak with me?" The door was flung open and Master grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me into his room.   
  
"Come over here, Legato dear! I have something I want to show you!" Master giggled like a schoolboy and led me into his bathroom, turning me to face the mirror. My eyes widened.  
  
"That's right!" said Master giddily. "Since you were too shy to ask for my butterfly tattoo, I had it put on while you were sleeping! Doesn't it look great on you? Didn't I do a fabulous job?" I was beginning to severely question Master's sexuality, as well as his sanity. No, his sanity had been gone a long time. I ran my finger across the cheek with the accursed insect tattooed onto it.  
  
"It looks stunning, Master," I drawled.   
  
Master grinned proudly. "Of course it does. Now, down to business. I'd like you to lure Vash to Augusta…"  
  
"Errrrr, before you go any further, Master. Don't you think we should eliminate Monev and Dominique? I mean, we don't need them anymore." I crossed my fingers. Please, please God…  
  
Master looked thoughtful. Then he shook his head. "Nah. They did good." I panicked.  
  
"But Master, if I may be so bold," I began, "if you plan to eradicate all humanity down to the last speck of dust, why should we show compassion now?" He frowned, apparently trying to think of a ridiculous answer.  
  
"Because I want to do it neatly," he said smugly. I sighed. Damn Master and his obsessive-compulsive tendencies.   
  
  
  
"Of course, Master."  
  
"So anyways, I want you to lure Vash to Augusta…."   
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
I shuffled down the stairs, listening to the Gung-Ho Guns in the kitchen. I heard my name, and stopped dead. "…I mean, has he lived his entire life being Knives' bitch?" asked E.G Mine. "That's pretty sad." My eye widened. WHAT?  
  
"Hey!" said Midvalley indignantly. I sighed with relief. Midvalley would stand up for me. "There's nothing wrong with being someone's bitch!" Damn those musicians.   
  
"No offense meant, Midvalley," said E.G quickly. "But you know what guys? I think Legato's his bitch in more ways than one, if you catch my drift…" he snickered. I picked that moment to slide into the room quietly.   
  
"Your assumptions would be incorrect, then," I said smoothly. E.G jumped.  
  
"Mr. Legato, sir!" he said, his voice as oily as his green hair. "I was talking about my cousin, El Gato. You know those Spanish types." I clenched my fist behind my back. I'm gonna kill him, I swear, I'm gonna kill him…  
  
"It doesn't matter," I said forcefully. Annoyed, I unconsciously ran my fingers through my hair. The assassins gasped. "What is it?" I asked, but all they did was stare at my face. Then suddenly I realized: I could see them.  
  
"He finally pushed his hair out of his eyes!" said E.G excitedly.   
  
"He actually has another eye?" asked Dominique, confused.   
  
"Hey everybody, look!" yelled Monev gleefully. "One side of his face is sunburned, and the other isn't!" Everyone chuckled. I clenched my teeth. Stupid… steroid popping… muscle man…  
  
I brushed my hair back in my eyes. "We're going on a little field trip today,"  
  
"A field trip!" chirped Monev. "Oh boy! Where do we get to go?  
  
"To Augusta." I said simply. Everyone's eyes widened. "Not all of you, just a few," There was a collective sound of resentment.  
  
"Well who gets to go?" asked Zazie impatiently.   
  
I counted on my fingers, reciting who Master told me to bring. "Let's see… E.G Mine, Rai-Dei the Blade, Midvalley the Hornfreak," I stopped, and slowly smiled. "And Monev and Dominique."  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
I had to hand it to Master. He had given us a great hotel to stay at. Midvalley was sitting in the lounge, surrounded by beautiful women, for some inexplicable reason (perhaps it was the saxophone?). Rai-Dei was playing pool with Monev. Dominique was sitting in a corner, staring at me so hungrily she looked ready to punce on my throat and tear out my jugular in a fit of passion.  
  
And I was sitting at the bar, eating ice cream. I sighed. In a temporary loss of sanity, I think I agreed to let E.G have a go at killing Vash the Stampede. Suddenly, looking at Rai-Dei, I had an idea…  
  
"Rai-Dei, the Blade, how would you like to kill Vash the Stampede, and E.G Mine?" I asked, smiling. I saw his eyes light up; I knew he hated E.G with a passion.   
  
"Was that Knives' order?" he asked distrustfully.   
  
"Of course. Would I go against Knives' orders?" I gave him the closest thing I had to an innocent look. He sighed and nodded. I turned to Monev and Dominique.  
  
"And why don't you two come with me? I have a surprise for you."   
  
"Oooooh!" said Monev, clapping his hands. "Is it candy?"  
  
"Maybe," I said lightly. I motioned them towards the city.   
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Everything was in place. Monev and Dominique were off my back forever, and E.G would be soon enough, and I had sent a messenger to fetch Vash the Stampede. Master's bitch, am I? I don't think so. I chuckled, causing Midvalley to stare at me, then quickly look away. I grinned widely. This was perfect.  
  
I distractedly looked down at the sand, and absently noted two Thomases approaching the city. Wait a minute, one of the riders looked familiar…  
  
It was her.  
  
How am I supposed to blow up the city with her in it?  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Ehehehe, short chapter, I apologize. Reviews, my babies!   
  
Jen- Hehe, good for you! Dork-ness is a good this!  
  
Red Tigress- Random mime references rock, don't they? THAT forever! Yes, Shanny must update, precious, that she must.  
  
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Apples- Hehe, your welcome! I did that too! "*Blink* What just happened?"  
  
Ala- LOL! Yeah, I did the same thing! Muahaha.  
  
Vash's Girl- Try some ice cream. I think he likes it.  
  
Aurus- Hee. *Dances on neon green line* We have a lot of those, don't we. Eeee, Vashie Sprite! *Grabs it and runs*  
  
raveb's_kitty_sama- Yes, here is your review cookie! *Gives you cookie*  
  
Azi: Naruto's Twin Sister- Hehe, I'm like that too! Hmmm, I'm not sure if I'm going up to 24… we'll just have to see how the fic progresses.   
  
Claymade- Lol, yeah, I'm thinking she was. *Wink wink nudge nudge* And it's great to get a review from you, as always.  
  
Kagome-angel2000- Awwww, thank you! You think I'm gifted? *Cries and hugs you* Your review really got me working. Well, here's an update!  
  
Zazie The Beast- Eeeek! Sandworms! *Hides* Well, I guess I deserve it.  
  
CaptainMurphysMistress- Lol, jobs should die, shouldn't they?  
  
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Pudding333- And thank you too! Nice name, by the way.  
  
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Heh- I did!  
  
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